we're chasing vodka with high fives
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
