Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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