I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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