thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
