Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Every concussion has its silver lining
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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