you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
