i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
