Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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