I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Girls should come with a carfax report
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
