I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Holy shit dude........stairs
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
