Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
