I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
