Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
