my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
where am i from again
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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