I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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