I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
