i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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