Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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