Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
