i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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