in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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