Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
