Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
