Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
