How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
