I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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