Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
