How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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