I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
