sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
