I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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