every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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