Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
