i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
