This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
