life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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