thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
