I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
