I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
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