that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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