Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
her facebook's as public as her vagina
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
