You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
