Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
