Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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