happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
