you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
