You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
