You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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