It's like a parade of train wrecks.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
