Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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