Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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