Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
