So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Randomize
