To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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