Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
